Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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