you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
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I need you to use more vowels.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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