I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
