Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
