her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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