MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
