I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
