I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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