You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
