I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
