This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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