i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
