he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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