Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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