great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
