Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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