just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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