I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
