He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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