My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
