who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Randomize
