Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
