six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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