I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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