Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
