She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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