True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
