I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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