so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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