Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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