I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
