Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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