Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
