I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
