ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
