Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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