I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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