and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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