Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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