Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
