You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
