he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
