Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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