Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
