I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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