Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
