Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
