he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
