remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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