U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
