I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
