I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
