i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Acid is not a monday night drug
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
