She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
