getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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