I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
