It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
