to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
