but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
