just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
