I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
